(How to Avoid An Extramarital Affair)

It’s very rare that I get uncontrollably excited about a book. Even among the books I really enjoy, I just don’t go off blabbering about them to my friends…much less strangers. And I especially don’t go about writing reviews for them.

But now…you’re about to witness one of my “blue moon” moments. Not only am I writing a book review for a book I’m uncontrollably excited about…I’m even writing a book recommendation for it.

A Bit of Background

This past summer, my wife and I heard that our local library was hosting a book sale. I don’t think we paid more than 50 cents for any of the books, and we wound up with around 12 books for about 4 bucks.

It was a nerd’s dream come true.

One of those books was a book called His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

It’s “another” book about how to help/save/improve your marriage.

For the past couple weeks or so, Jessica had been going through it and relating all the things in the book that struck a chord with her. At one point, she opened the book to a page and said, “Read from this headline (pointing with her finger) to this headline.”

After I read the story she wanted me to read, I thought it was well-written and quite captivating. But I wasn’t all gung-ho to read the entire book because, “Hey,” I thought, “we already have an awesome marriage. I’ll read this after I finish all my other ‘to-read’ books.”

(I had a list of at least three “more urgent” books I wanted to get through first).

This past Saturday (11/07/15), however, Jessica finished the book, handed it to me, and said, “You need to read this book.”

I could tell she was serious.

As rare as it is for me to write book reviews, it’s even more rare for Jessica to recommend books to me…let alone urge me to start reading one immediately.

So here’s what’s happened: I started reading the book on Sunday (11/08/15), and I am on track to finish it today (11/14/15).

(You didn’t think I actually wrote these posts on the day I actually publish them, now, did you?)

That’s right. I’m not only writing a book review and a recommendation for this book—I’m also writing a review and recommendation for this book even before I finish reading it.

I’m down to the last chapter and the two appendices, and will finish reading it just as soon as I write down what follows this sentence.

I don’t remember the last time I tore through a book so curiously.

What’s In It For You

As I said, Dr. Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs is a self-help marriage book. You need to read this book for at least three reasons:

1. It will affair-proof your marriage
2. It will take your marriage to a level you never thought possible
3. It will build your marriage on rock-solid Biblical principles

What It’s About

Harley insists that men and women have certain emotional needs that are uniquely met in the marriage relationship. At the same time, the top five emotional needs men have are not the same as the top five emotional needs women have.

Her needs tend to be:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment

His needs tend to be:

1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

But here’s where it all gets really interesting: Harley reiterates over and over again, that:

1. Affairs happen when a spouse doesn’t have one or more of his/her needs met by the other spouse—no matter how devoutly religious both may be.
2. Affairs are avoided when each spouse meets all the emotional needs of the other spouse—couples become irresistible to each other because their love deepens on an emotional level.

Read this book, and you’ll learn how to affair-proof your marriage, build a relationship that sustains romance, increases intimacy, and deepens continual, emotional awareness of your spouse.

“This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse. Once you have learned its lessons, your spouse will find you irresistible, a condition that’s essential to a happy and successful marriage.” (Preface)

This book is indeed well worth your time and energy.

My review and recommendation explains why.

My Review

I’ve never been a fan of reviews that dissect a book down to its outline, layout, and cover design. I just want to know what someone likes and doesn’t like about the content.

What I Like

First, I sincerely appreciate how Harley writes succinctly. He says as much as needs to be said, and then moves on.

Also, he doesn’t just fill the pages with random facts and statistics, as most doctors do.

Instead, he “tells statistics” by relating what he has personally seen in his counseling practice. (He’s a marriage counselor by trade.) He convinces you that an affair can happen (even to you and your amazing marriage) by using powerful stories that hit very close to home.

As far as I can tell, the stories he tells are straight out of his marriage counseling practice (albeit with names changed for confidentiality).

This practical, yet down-to-earth writing is a nice breeze of fresh air amidst marriage books that continue to throw you a stiff wind of mere facts and logic.

The end of each chapter holds questions for the husband, questions for the wife, and questions for both. This, along with the practical suggestions in each chapter, help you to meet each other’s emotional needs in very tangible ways.

Finally, the final Appendix in the book is a questionnaire that lets you and your spouse determine which needs are most important to both of you. That way you aren’t dealing in generalities and tendencies, but specifics.

What I Don’t Like

There are a few places in the book where Harley reveals that he is a self-proclaimed Christian and that he personally lives under Christian values. There are even a few instances where he alludes to Scripture to back up what he teaches…

Unfortunately, I think he could have shown where his principles are revealed in the Bible. I’ve been able to think of several Scriptures and contexts that already teach what Harley has put into his book.

At the same time, I understand that most people reading Harley’s book aren’t going to approach it with the same moral compass—so in a way, I understand why he would base more of his reasonings on experience than on Scripture.

I’ll gladly take someone’s experience before I ever take his/her opinions.

Despite that problem, however, I really don’t have anything bad left to say about it.

My Recommendation

In fact, I’d easily say this is hands-down, the best secular marriage book I have read to date…which is saying a lot coming from a Child and Family Studies / Bible major. I recommend it for these 4 reasons:

1. It made a connection that was missing.

His Needs, Her Needs filled a “knowledge void” I didn’t know I was missing.

Jessica and I both took a Marriage and Family class when we were in college (not at the same time, but we had the same teacher). That was where she and I first learned about these emotional needs, and our teacher did well to emphasize that couples meet each other’s needs in marriage.

Still, I don’t remember ever quite making the connection that not meeting these needs could cause you to have an affair. Harley’s book bridged that gap.

2. It brought out points other marriage books overlook.

I’m thinking of two books in particular.

One is The Five Love Languages book series, by Gary Chapman.

Although neither of us have read the original book, Jessica has always given me bits and pieces from the children’s version. The universal principle is that people prefer to receive love in one of five ways, and so you should always express your love to your spouse in his or her “love language.”

The other is Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend—the followup edition to their original Boundaries book.

Jessica and I listened to the marriage edition on CD, and learned that part of making a good marriage is setting appropriate and reasonable boundaries around yourself in order to keep any friction points from eroding your marriage away.

Though these books are excellent in their own right, they discuss two very different ideas under “the marriage umbrella.” One teaches you how to express love and the other teaches you how to define the parameters in which you can express love.

But here’s where His Needs, Her Needs really goes the extra mile (with both of those premises):

1. The Five Love Languages indicates that you can “perfectly) express love to your spouse (i.e. in his/her “language”), but His Needs, Her Needs shows that you’re not necessarily meeting that person’s needs when you speak his/her love language. Also…
2. Boundaries in Marriage indicates that you can perfectly define your love “parameters,” but His Needs, Her Needs shows that these parameters don’t necessarily keep all would-be intruders entirely at bay.

3. It transformed my marriage instantly and powerfully.

In less than 7 days, I went from being satisfied with my marriage to being horrendously guilty about how slack I’d become in it. I realized that I wasn’t treating my wife the way I would have treated her if I was dating her (and trying to convince her to marry me) today.

It’s not that I was treating her badly, or even that I wasn’t giving her good things—I just wasn’t meeting her needs as well as I did when I was dating her.

I realized I had given her hope that I would be this great husband who would meet her needs in marriage (because I had met those needs while we dated), only to have slowly crushed those hopes over these last five years of marriage (because I hadn’t met those needs while were married to the same degree).

I’ve written more notes to her this week than I have in the last FIVE YEARS of our marriage…because she needs affection. But really, the reason is because I already did meet her needs when we were dating…

Why should she get a “dumbed-down” version of me now?

Why should I (essentially) get her hopes up that I’ll be this great husband (while we’re dating) and then dash her hopes once we say our “i dos” by not being who I was when we dated? That’s unfair, and she deserves better.

I’ve found that the more she and I voluntarily meet each other’s needs, the more willing we are to meet each other’s needs. Why? Because we keep wanting to give back to the other person for what the other one has done.

It’s made our marriage better because it has forced us to become better people.

We really haven’t discovered anything new. We’ve just discovered that we need to do the “old things” (“putting our best foot forward”) again.

4. It puts Biblical principles into action.

As I alluded to earlier, these principles are based on Biblical teachings. The ones that came to mind were written by Paul and Peter in two different New Testament letters.

See if you can read what Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:21-33 and not see how meeting needs is so important. You can’t avoid it in this passage.

Same with I Peter 3:7. You can’t “live with your wife (a weaker vessel) in an understanding way” unless you learn what her needs are.

Conclusion

So there you have it. You’ve witnessed a blue moon. Please get this book as soon as you can and apply it well. You, and your spouse, will be glad you did.

What marriage books do you recommend?

Disclosure 2: Affiliate Links – Use when I include an embedded affiliate link from Amazon or some other provider.

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 15 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

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